death, depression, rip

A Beautiful Soul Has Left This World…

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Another vlogger/influencer has left this world of her own free will.

Her name was Lee and I have been following her for a while.

She was young, she was fit, she was healthy, she was gorgeous, she had the freedom to go anywhere and everywhere, she had so many friends and the cutest dog.

I followed her because she had the life I’ve always wanted. I follow her and other’s like her… travelers… I am especially obsessed with the people living in converted vans.

Half of the pull is pure admiration for these folks who have the opportunity to do things their way and are able to actually do it… the other half of it is definitely that I like to torture myself because I do get insanely jealous watching them. How can I not?

They have everything I want, do everything I wish I could do, live the most exciting lives while I just sit here alone, always alone… doing nothing, staring into the wall. Feeling trapped by stupid circumstances that I mostly have no control over.

On the days when I feel extra depressed, I can’t watch content like that at all because it makes me feel even worse about everything and that is not a safe headspace to put myself in. It can be very triggering because it highlights all the things my own life isn’t.

That she did this just leaves me so confused and sad. Because, she was so loved.

There’s been a bunch of tribute videos coming out in her memory by so many people.

How does a person who seemingly have everything going for her decide to jump in front of a train? She always looked so happy, she was so vibrant and smiley and outgoing in a way that was magnetic… in a way that I could never be. I believe the term is “bubbly.”

Man, I wish I was bubbly… bubbly people are likeable. But I’m not bubbly.

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I can’t help questioning if any of it is real? Any of the stuff vloggers show us? All the laughter and happiness… all the smiles… or if it’s all just an illusion too… like so many things have become these days? I honestly don’t even know if I want it to be real?

After all… if it is real, that would mean that depression was strong enough to take someone as angelic as Lee and extinguish her light; someone who never had depression until recently, someone who apparently grew up happy (I wonder what that is like?) someone who was happy… until she wasn’t… and then couldn’t beat it and find her way back to her happy place again… despite having life pretty much made.

It just… makes me lose hope in a way… if depression could take someone like Lee out… what chance do the rest of us have? Now, that’s a pretty scary thought.

Or perhaps, I should look at this from another point of view. Maybe an event like this helps to truly underline the amount of inner strength that I, myself, possess? Because, I mean… I’m still here. I haven’t given up. It’s been years and years and years of depression for me, and I’mstillhere. Maybe I should give myself more credit for that.

In any case, I hope she’s in a better place.

Rest in peace and power.

Sweet Lee.

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4 thoughts on “A Beautiful Soul Has Left This World…”

  1. I came across your blog because of an intelligent and insightful comment you made on Sudrakarma’s blog. After a brief interaction with you and viewing some of your posts, I decided it was worth starting at the beginning, because I was impressed to such an extent that is quite rare. I do not comment often on posts, partly because I don’t always have the words to convey how good I think a post is, and partly because I am not involved in blogging as much as I used to be. So far, your blog has been like a good book that is difficult to put down.

    Your reference to bubbly people being likeable, but that you are not bubbly, is doing yourself an injustice. You have a lorry-load of admirable qualities and you are modest and sincere with it. In my experience when bloggers talk about themselves, including their problems, it is with a level of candour that goes deeper than their persona. Other areas of the internet have people showing you just what they want you see. I don’t think it is prudent to compare yourself to someone else on the internet or their lifestyle. Film stars and rock stars hurt too.

    It is better to compare yourself to people who are worse off than you are to get a proper perspective. I am in no way trivialising what happened to the lady you admired, because I think it is a terrible tragedy and she must have been hurting a lot.

    Some people seek contentment by adding to what they already have, whereas contentment comes from within and being happy with who they are. I may be wrong in my way of thinking, but I think you need to be reminded and reassured that you are actually very special. In spite of your problems, you have a healthy way of looking at life. And, feel free to let this go to your head, you are intelligent, articulate, compassionate and empathetic. On top of that you are very attractive, so you have a whole package of what countless people envy. Your connection with nature is something that a lot of people would love.

    You are right when you say that you should give yourself more credit. By writing this I am just prodding you in the right direction, and I hope you do not take any offence at anything I have said.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Isn’t that the truth. You do have to wonder what humans are doing wrong when so many of us are suffering so much all the time and why nothing changes. Suicide has been a growing issue for so many years, yet things are just getting worse in general. Life is just getting harder because society is set up wrong.

      Liked by 2 people

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